Is it really my fault?

 Assalamualaikum.

Hey guys. Long time not updating in here wkwkwk jk.

So, here we go again.

According to the title what do you guys thought about?

Is it about my study? family? or friends?

Tbh i dont know where i should start but i will write it in short. 

Then i will tell the case related to the title.

Firstly, last October im in a relationship with someone through tinder.

His name is KH (i will just put his initial so that i can remember) and his age is the same as me.

Ok enough with the info.

So as the time pass by our relationship is so toxic and i decide to breakup with him.

We end our relationship on 10 Dec i think? sorry i didnt remember because we chatting at late night so maybe on 11th? wkwkwk nvm

Actually i dont know if he or me that decided to breakup but for me i just ask him if he still want our relationship to stay.

Tbh i want to fix it or what i can say is i want him to change.

At least being sincere and honest but he kept manipulate me by saying sorry.

It happen to many times tho, but what he can say is sorry but never change.

So thats why we ended it.

I told him to stop contact/chat me since he insisted to chat me after the conversation about the relay.

Yes he really stop at that time but after a few days he kept chat me once a week.

Ok so here it begins. The keyword is he always chat me once a week and what he chat or do with me i will not tell it here.

I always warn him to stop contacting me everytime he come to me but he kept telling me that he miss me and whatsoever it is.

Then, i told him that if he already have a gf he really should stop contact me but he kept telling me that he still single.

So because of he always chat me and he even spamming me if i didnt reply him, i just do want he want.

Actually i really hate him because after he got what he want, he disappear and not even open my chat.

It happen once a week until last week which is 20 February 2024.

Suddenly, on 24 February, he posted a photo of a girl with some emoji on his instagram story.

So i conclude that he already have a gf then. Actually i already have the instinct since early Feb.

Why? How did i now? Because firstly he stop posting sad instagram stories and another one is i always look at his online status in whatsapp.

Yup it kinda crazy but not as crazy as i do with that ganu guy last time. That one is so crazy and obsessive so thats why i hide my ws apps and disable it to receive any message for a long time.

Ok back to the story. When i know he already in a new relationship, i just told myself that i should not reply him or obey him to do what he want from me.

Oh wait, i forgot to tell this. Actually i already delete his contact from my phone since 23 Jan and i restrict his ig account so that his dm is in the request section.

Then after a few days, he posted again a photo of the girl at beach on his instagram story. So it is confirm that he already have a new gf.

Actually i kinda relieved because i thought he will not contact me again after having that new relationship.

I also feel a little bit jealous at that girl bcs she must be better than me if he not contacting me again but im not that type to ruin people relationship so i try to let it go and move on.

Tbh it suits my plan because i really wanna avoid him for these 12 days because of i already started my first semester. And i hope he will slowly stop come at me.

But then suddenly he already in relationship so it will be easier for me to avoid him.

So i try to be happy and not thinking about how he already have someone new after a few days he chat me. lol

I keep updating my twitter as my own diary to let go my feeling and avoid using ig for too much.

Unfortunately, on Friday after the last class ended, I just waiting for my laptop to fully charged so i open all the sosmed in my laptop and I open my request dm on ig after a few days i didnt open it and i found that he already dmed me since Wednesday which is 28 February.

I dont know how to feel but i just feel so pity to his gf because this mf didnt respect her as a gf.

But because it just a few dm that just keep calling so i just ignore it and tweet about it on my twt.

I even tweet about how i feel and told him to go to his gf as im talking to him.

Then suddenly i also got request dm on twitter from him and ask me if i not open my ig and told me that the girl is his sister.

Little did he know that im not that stupid to trust him that much.

I already stalk his fb and also all his sibling fb. new one and old one. Because im curious of how does they look like and their name.

Because of he lie to me about that fact, i just continue my previous tweet and told him that he doesnt need to lie to me about that girl is his sister and i also told him that i restrict his account so thats why i didnt reply him.

I also told him to go to his gf instead of come to me and warn him that i would dm his gf if he still insist to chat again.

Mad? yes im so mad and upset because how can he claimed that he is single and act like it is ok to do that.

Then on 2 March, he dm me again and told me that he is single and he change his phone so that he lost all the contact.

Actually i thought he already delete or block my number before he exposing his new gf because of i always checking his online status but im wrong. But whatever it is im glad he already lost my number.

Okay, so because of he still disrespect his gf like that even after i already told him that i could dm his gf, i just unrestrict his ig so that i can reply him to make it clear.

I reply his dm told him to stop contacting me again before i really dm his gf.

But this time he not deny about having gf and also admit he is single.

He kept told me sorry and want me and whatsoever. But still i warn him again and again.

And i also end every reply with goodbyes but he still chat me.

I just cant with that behaviour because i just hate how he treat girl. His gf and myself.

So disrespecful.

Finally, i strengthened myself to dm his gf after several times of hesitation.

Actually i really not confident that account is his gf but because it the only random girl he follow (because he already remove all the other a few days ago lol) so i just try my shot.

I dm (using my stalking account) her to reply me if she is in relay with KH and if not she should just ignore my dm because it will so embarrassing if i got the wrong person. fyi this happen after 12am which already enter 3 march.

So after a few minutes, she replied my dm and told me that it is true that she is his gf and ask me who i am.

But not only that, KH also dm me on that stalking account. So i assumed that he already know my secret account to stalk him :)

FYI in that time i have discussion with my groupmate and i have to record my presentation video.

So i just reply his gf shortly so that she didnt thought that im just joking around and settled my work.

KH dm me everywhere he can and told me to stop dm his gf.

LOL suddenly admit that he is not single after i already contact his gf.

So what already begin should be done until the end and of course i ignore his dm and calls (ig).

I told his gf to becareful with him at first but she didnt understand the context so i told her that KH dmed me since wednesday.

And of course she curious why and what. so i just give her the ss prove of his dm.

i also told her that he act single with me while contacting me.

But the she suddenly ask me what he want from me to be contacting me and i just flabbergasted bcs i didnt plan to tell her about that detail.

So because of she kept ask me many question and also i want her to believe me more so i just tell all the truth even the secret one.

Then she curious about what are we (me and KH) doing when we meet before this because i told her that i met him not like them dating like a real couple.

So because i try to avoid her question by telling her that it is so long and hard to tell in the dm so she request to tell her by call.

And yeah i just accept her request and told her every detail what happen when we met on the phone.

We cried. KH's gf and me cried during the call after i finish tell her the last day i met him.

She really open to me by telling me what he said to her and what KH give her and whatsoever. 

Im glad that she want to read and listen to me. But at the end of the call she told me that she doesnt know how to feel and i kept saying sorry to disturbing her time and ruin their relationship.

But i clarify to her that both of us is woman so i told her all of this bcs i dont want man to disrespect us.

I also say sorry to telling her the real him. Not being honest.

From the start of chat with her, KH also dm me and suddenly he blaming me on their relay condition.

His ig also suddenly disappear from me after that. I dont know whether he deactivate or delete or block me so i hope he doesnt really hate me :)

On twitter also he firstly block me then his account suddenly disappear.

Oh btw, from the beginning of i chat with his gf, i kept telling her that she just should becareful with him and persuade her that it is only a little mistake that he made but actually he is so kind and not rude.

Because it really is. I like him because of that but because of his honesty i cant stand with him anymore.

So right now after 2 days that thing happen, i dont know what happened to their relationship.

I hope they didnt hate me. Especially KH because i know him for 5 months and he is already become my past.

He always said to me that i am so kind to him everytime chat with me but now i think he change his mind :)

i might be the one he hate so much rn. Sorry. I already warn you so many time i would do that.

But all of this to make you realize that you should appreciate and be respectful to you gf.

I dont want you to repeat your mistake that happen with our relationship. Toxic relationship.

I am really sorry to make you mad and sad but i have to.

I hope you didnt contact me again.

If you contact me just wanna keep in touch, its okay for me. But i dont know if your gf is ok with it.

Unless you still have the same agenda as before i will not hesitate to do it again.

SOOO is it really my fault? I really dont know.

Sometimes i blaming myself to ruin their relationship but then i blaming him contacting me deny that he already have gf.

Right now i just wanna process what happen to me for the last 3 days ago and let it go.

It might be hard to move on drastically since i love to stalk him.

My style to moving on from my past is by look at their new happiness until i feel happy too.

So thats all from me for today.

LMAO I JUST SPEND ALL MY BREAK TIME FOR THIS??

I just waste my 4 hours break but nvm. For my mental health sake wkwkwk

Thank you for reading my story. Bye! see you when i see you guys.

My First Time

 Hello

Okay right now i have some mood to write about this.

My first time? What first time?

Actually many things happened for the first time to me last year but i will tell only the important one.

Firstly, last November were my first flight ever in my life after 26 years i am alive.

And i boarded it alone.

Of course i didnt have any experience how to board and what to do before boarding.

So it goes like this. Actually that day i supposedly went home by bus but unfortunately it was my unlucky day.

I missed the bus and it only 5 minutes late :'(

So because of my fault, i need to find another alternative way to go back.

And my mother sponsor the ticket fee with extra luggage charge also.

Thanks mom. I dont know what will happen if you didnt help help me.

 I love you <3

Ok back to the topic. Since it was my first time boarding the flight, I only have my mother to guide me from A to Z during that crucial time.

Imagine it only you there and it was midnight there. You wander here and there without anyone help :(

That is why i kept calling my mother to guide me because im afraid to be alone at such a big place like the airport and tbs terminal.

So if you guys wanna know the whole story or detail story about this just go to my highlight instagram story that have airplane emoji.

I write it in detail there but i mix the language.

Ok next one. The last one that i wanna tell here about my first time is, last 23 December were my first time ever travel oversea and also my first time performed my umrah.

My second flight experience were with my family and it was for umrah.

Actually, if i was not that careless on November this were my first flight and it is for umrah :'(

Yup things happened. So lets move on.

So i wanna talk about what happen there since it was my first time being there and performed umrah.

Honestly, i completed my umrah on 26 December because my period didnt stop even if i take the  medicine. But after i bought other medicine in Mecca and consume it for 3 days i finally can do it with my mother.

I perform umrah only for 2 times because of that case :(

But Alhamdulillah, at least i can do it.

Eventho i sprained my ankle on the second day.

I got fell down the stair when im searching for my mom.

Thank god it heal faster than i thought.

Aside from that, i bought some gift for my friends and also for my brother. Actually i just wanna buy it for my brother but i forgot that i didnt give anything to my ex roomate for the farewell.

Actually i miss Mecca so much eventho the environment is too crowded.

I love how it feels there.

Next, on 28 December, we went to Medina.

It is a must to visit Rawdhah if you went to perform umrah.

So starting from that day, during on the way to there i catch a cold because of other pilgrim got it first and we were in a group so it possible for everyone to have it too.

Eventho im not feeling well, i got to perform subuh prayer for 3 days and i got to enter the rawdhah once :)

Oh and i also got a chance to perform jumaat prayer there in nabawi.

It was my first time to perform jumaat prayer and it was in nabawi mosque.

it feels so ethereal.

I actually disappointed because i cant even perform other prayer there but nvm.

I would rather staying in the room than made any inconvenient to other people.

Then suddenly 2 December comes and we have to go back to our country back :(

It really feels good there and maybe because of the weather during that time.

I hope i can go there again with my family or with someone i love (if i ever have one later lol)

So i think thats all for the first time story. it not so detail because i just wanna write about the first time i experience.

For the detail story maybe i will make one in the highlight instagram story.

Hope i still remember about it when i have that energy and mood to do it.

Bye guys. Have a nice day :)

Another Year Another Jobless Era?

 Hi long time not posting anything here.

Last time i posted were when i just move to KL, right?

LOL i already come back at my hometown already. My contract already ended last December.

Actually i take unpaid leave on December since i went to Mecca and Medina.

So about that story maybe i will be do another entry from this because rn i wanna rant about my life.

wait i wanna write in indo language.

CAPEK BANGET GAK NGAPA NGAPAIN

Hahahahaha i think i cant stay at home for too long since i always went out everyday since May last year.

I love staying at home bcs im an introvert and a homebody person but this is not right.

I miss walking in a mall and food hunting tbh :(

Here in my hometown i didnt go out from the house since it difficult to go everywhere.

there is no easy access for public transport here so i quite miss KL :(

Actually my brain cant even braining rn and i dont know what else to tell here.

Oh wait before i forgot about this, actually i will pursue study. AGAIN!

But this time nor master degree wkwkwkwk

I took diploma in education because my parents told me to.

And of course im so lazy to search for job since i really hate staying here.

but if i search job in KL, i think it will drain my energy because i just move back to my hometown recently and it is so chaotic.

tired of moving here and there every 3 months.

SOOO because of that i will just work here eventho i hate being here.

at least i will not worry about rent and other utilities expenses.

Hope i can save more money and can pay the study fee and also can travel on my own later.

So basically i and my brother already apply being a substitute/temporary teacher here and i hope we can start working next month since my first semester start on February.

Oh btw i wanna work as this position because of my class will only be during school holiday.

WML guys. lol as if there people reading my post wkwkwk

so thats all for this entry. next time i will post about my Umrah journey.

bye

Hectic 2 Weeks

 Hi my lovely blog.

Before i got busy next next day so here i am wanna tell how chaotic my whole 2 weeks recently.

So basically on 18 May 2023 which is last 2 weeks ago, I got email around 9.30am that i got in the iget track which is cdss (certified data science specialist).

in that email, it tell us to join meeting on 10.30am, so at first i didn't expect anything serious and got excited because i got in the iget track eventho i want the general track instead.

I really didn't expect i got into this iget track since it based on crtb assessment and i pass it because there were so many smart people in my class.

Ok back to the topic, when we got into the meeting on 10.30am, we were informed that we should be at KL the next day on 8.30am. And the class will be for 5 days and we should deploy on the next friday which is on 26 May 2023.

That were only below 24 hours.

I really got flabbergasted when En Masri told us that we should be at hq the day after.

but thank god, i didn't have to burden my parents to take me there since i managed to contact a friend to go with me for that day which is friday.

We planned to go there for a day since we didn't know how to decide what to bring and where to stay at and we went there again on sunday after we decide what we want to bring and we know where we wanna stay for a week.

My friend and i went there around 12pm on Sunday and arrived late night around 9pm at the hotel al amin in masjid jamek.

Thanks to my mom for booking the hotel for me and my friend until saturday.

I really didn't know what will happen if my mom didn't help me to find it and pay for it.

Not only that i got surprises from this programme, i also suddenly got selected into short interview on 23 May 2023 with SAA department and it really embarrassing since it group interview. On the list actually got 7 people should be interviewed but on that day, just 3 people.

They ask me about my resume and i didn't know they really look into my resume and i just send it as it is like what i did on intern wkwkwk.

Whatever it is, i'm glad i just went through my first ever interview with friends so not so nervous but it just embarrassing.

If they were not there i think i would be crying already because i got glimpse of my last failure presentation.

OK, long story short, on thursday 25 May 2023, i got assigned into SMOD and automatically i know that i'm not got chosen from that interview last time. But its okay. Just disappointed with myself actually.

So here i am, already in this SMOD and i really scared because i don't like to interact with people and they gave me this department ffs.

I hope i can survive and i didn't have any issue through this 3 months ahead.

FR i didn't even have any confidence to be in front of people but this job give me what i fear the most.

Maybe this just some challenge for me to overcome for my future.

Oh btw, i got only 75% on my cdss exam on that last day class, thursday wkwkwkw. i just use google and i completed it under 45 minutes. I'm too lazy to use the chatgpt eventho the trainer told us to use it.

Ok thats all from me on Monday 29 May 2023 because gue gabut banget gatau mau ngapain karena semua temen2 gue jagain counter. cuma tinggal gue dan satu temen cowok di kantor jadi agak canggung wkwkwwk

bye guys see ya again when i see you whenever i'm free.

New Year, New Me (?)

 Hello guys its me jj.

Its been so long ya i didn't write here since last time.

The last time i being here is because of convocation day and now its already 5 months ahead from that time.

So let me be straight to the point.

Last four months, around in February i think, my friend suddenly dmed me and persuade me to join this one programme with her through email and i just agreed to her without doing it.

Suddenly after a month, she, wani, asked again if i apply it or not and if i got accepted. And of course i just tell her the truth that i really didn't ready and i want to apply for April batch. But actually i really didn't ready yet hehe.

Oh before i forgot, this programme should be apply a month before so that they can accept you and you can start at the new month after it.

Okay so after my friend asked me for the second time on March, I just felt guilty and moved because of her effort and on that time it is already at the end of the month so I just try my luck by sending the email to them.

Luckily i got their reply after almost two weeks in the April and the email said that i got into their May batch.

At first i really happy to get this news but then i felt really bad because my friend didn't get in this batch.

She didn't get in it because she already got in the programme in previous few months so they prioritize other people that not have been in it yet.

In conclusion, it is just me that got in the batch since my other friend also didn't apply for it.

I felt so scared but at the same time so excited. Scared to fail but excited to meet new people again.

Last Tuesday was the first day of my new environment. what should i call this is just work i think.

Btw, this programme starts with wfh 1 month and other 7 months at the office.

I hope i got the best place to work. Just nice not too stressing me out.

Hopefully i can endure all this until i can get my real job.

I really wanna fix my life starting from my lifestyle and my relationship with god and family.

I'm so mess up since 2021 actually.

So that's all for my NEW ME story.

Btw how is my blog new look? Is it good? hehehe